Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Dating fucking sucks.

Jesus goddamn christ.

Online dating.

Out of every 20 profile pages I look at, here's how they typically break down:
  • 4 are essentially blank; they're a saucy picture and either zero words or one sentence that says "hi send me a msg if u wanna know more kthx"
  • 2 are overtly churchy; "I'm totally devoted to Jesus and I want to find a man to help me on my journey"
  • 10 are just straight-up borning as shit; mundane comments like "I like spending time with friends and family" and "I value trust in a relationship" litter the place, and they inevitably work in something like marketing
  • 1 is more-pretentious-than-thou; there are big stupid glasses, selfies whilst drinking PBR, and references to shitty bands like The xx (which means they haven't rewritten their thing in a few months and now nobody gives a shit about 'em, gasp!)
  • 2 are mildly interesting; there are hints at there being an actual person with depth in there somewhere, buried under descriptions of how they enjoy travelling, like to take their dog for a walk, or have a niece who's really just so adorable
  • 1 sizzles; she's funny, witty, smart, engaged with the world, decent-lookin', and... well, guess what, she probably gets a shit-ton of emails a day, buckaroo
Out of the 20, then, that leaves the last two categories who are anywhere close to being decent human beings worth spending time with. That last one is outta your league, buddy, so you can whip up a soliloquy that would make Shakespeare shit his pantaloons, but she ain't ever gonna read it.

So then, ten percent of women... that's what you're left with. And they'll get flooded with ridiculous messages, too, so... y'know, you might as well just shoot yourself now and save everyone the trouble.