Thursday, April 28, 2011

Nardwuar, the Hip Flip, and federal leaders.

If you're Canadian, you know about Nardwuar the Human Serviette. (If you don't, or if you want to learn more about this fascinating character, read this.)

Fun fact: Nardwuar was the person who asked Jean Chrétien the question at the press conference after the APEC fiasco about the protester who got pepper-sprayed by the cops (to which Chrétien's answer was, infamously, "Pepper? I put pepper on my steak.").

Fun fact: Nardwuar the Human Serviette is that man's legal name.

Anyhoo, on to the matter at hand.

We're balls-deep in an election up here, and with a few days to go it looks like crazy shit's happening: the NDP may well be (a.) the Official Opposition, and/or (b.) the governing party if Steve & Co. table the same budget after the election (assuming the Cons have a minority), it fails (which it will if it's the same budget, which it likely will be), and GG Dave "I Personally Gave Prominent Blogger/Sexual Dynamo JTL His Physics Degree At Waterloo" Johnston goes to the Leader of the Opposition — who could be Jack Fucking Layton! — and asks him, "Hey buddy, how's about formin' a gov'mint that has the confidence of the House?"

Natch, Steve Harper might brush it all off and say, in his condescending, passive-aggressive tone, "Well, obviously* Canadians don't want this reckless tax-raising hooligan as their Prime Minister." To you, Steve, I would say this:


Wow. Really got off-track there. I'm off my meds, as you can see. The point is MIKE IGNATIEFF DID THE HIP-FLIP WITH NARDWUAR:

A few years earlier, Jack Layton had an illuminating conversation with Nardwuar, which also included the Hip-Flip:

As mentioned in the Ignatieff clip, Steve Harper's security goons hauled Nardwuar away when he asked to do the Hip-Flip with the leader of the Cons. So, you can draw your own conclusions about that. (No word on whether Gilles Duceppe or Elizabeth May have done it, but our crack research team will get right on that.)
* This is Steve's favourite word, which roughly translates to, "You peons are just far too stupid for my superior intellect."
** This may well be the only time I quote the Insane Clown Posse for anything.

Monday, April 25, 2011


Look... Sun TV News, Sun News Network, Fox News North, whatever the hell you want to call yourself: let me offer you a little advice.

Let's say you want to be the STRAIGHT TALK and HARD HITTING and WE TELL YOU WHAT THOSE OTHER ASSHOLES ARE TOO CHICKENSHIT TO SAY news network of Canada. This means a certain amount of, for lack of a better word, "bombast" is needed. You gotta punch it up!

I've watched snippets of a few different shows on this sad excuse for a news channel, and the one word I'd use to describe it is... boring. With the exception of known nitwit Ezra Levant showing the Prophet Mohammed cartoons on the first day, what sorts of waves has it made? Zero, that's how many.

Oh, don't get me wrong: they say things which are as idiotic as their broadcast cousins to the south. I just finished watching some moron say, on the topic of having some sort of nutritional and exercise guidelines put out by a government, and I'm paraphrasing here a bit, "I don't want the government telling me what I can and can't eat." And that was his big punchline.

(A few minutes earlier, they dragged David Frum out from his adopted cave in DC, only for him to say bizarre and noncommital things like, "If you are a conservative in Canada, you can feel very happy casting a vote for the Tories this election." Why wouldn't you, Dave? There's one party on the Right up here, and it sure ain't Layton's.)

Here's what you need, Sun:

This'll cure what ails ya.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I am reminded yet again about why I developed a crush on Sook-Yin Lee long ago.

From 1989, with her band Bob's Your Uncle:

I mean, sure, she's young here; we were all younger then, obviously. But, it'd be about six years after this that I went off to uni, and thus had cable (and therefore MuchMusic) for the first time, and was exposed to this person for the first time and, well, it's been a slam-dunk ever since.

(Mind you, now that she works for The Mothership and hosts DNTO, well then, that just adds about a billion points to her hotness.)

Oh, Sook-Yin... you will be mine someday.

* * * * *

In other, shittier news, Steve Harper said this today:

My view is that the people of Canada expect the party that wins the election to govern the country ... anything else, the public will not buy.

The "anything else" he means, of course, is some sort of a coalition, which he seems to be pushing pretty hard, but with which I'm not sure he's getting a lot of traction. A couple of years ago when Stéphane Dion was leading the Libs, Steve made a lot of hay out of the false "Liberal/NDP/separatist" trilogy — the Bloc wasn't part of the coalition deal that Dion put forward, but Idiot Conservative Nation believes everything Steve says is true, so they fell for it — but I don't think it's working as well for him now.

My guess is that, mainly, people know Steve's an ass and will do and say anything to stay in power; this not only undermines the direct messages he wants to put out, but also calls into question every single move his government makes.

However... an intriguing new "anything else" option has come to light in the past few days, one which, interestingly, isn't dismissed out-of-hand by Mike Ignatieff. You see, Adrienne Clarkson put in this informal rule saying that, if a minority Parliament is defeated on a confidence motion within its first six months of forming a government, the GG won't automatically dissolve said Parliament but will consider asking the Leader of the Opposition to put together something which will have the confidence of the House.

As it currently stands, this could be a possible scenario:
  • The Cons win another minority, with the Libs forming a fairly solid opposition, or perhaps the Libs+NDP
    Odds of this happening: fairly good. I don't see a huge groundswell in the electorate one way or another since the last election, and the NDP seem to have made gains, especially in Quebec.
  • The Cons stubbornly table the exact same budget that was headed for defeat in the House and thereby triggering an election... but they got nailed the day before that was scheduled for a confidence vote because, oh right, they lied to Parliament about money, and that ended up canning them.
    Odds of this happening: I'd give it 50-50; they're stubborn on things like this, but when they realize it could mean them —gasp!— LOSING POWER, that might get their attention. But let's hope not.
  • The budget fails to pass; it's a confidence motion, wheeeee!
    Odds of this happening: excellent, if the same budget is tabled. You're never going to get a dozen Libs or NDPers rolling over and taking it up the keyster for this one, and doubly so because it'd mean those parties would stay out of power. Duh!
  • Dave Johnston asks Mike Ignatieff to form a Parliament that can get the confidence of the House.
    Odds of this happening: well, unless DJ wants to thumb his nose at AC, it has to happen. Them's the (unofficial) rules.
I, for one, welcome this chain of events (in the event the Libs don't win a majority or even a minority, and I'd give about 3-to-1 odds against the latter happening). Bring it on, baby.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Teenagers say the darndest things.

These are admittedly second-hand, but (a.) the sources are reliable and (b.) they're pretty good. In both cases, both the student and teacher are female.

* * * * *

Student: Miss J! Miss J!

Teacher: Yes, what is it?

S: My friend and I were talking about baby names. [N.B. the student is not pregnant.]

T: Oh? What about them?

S, earnestly: Yeah, we were thinking that a good name for a girl would be... Clitoria.

T: Uh... that's... kind-of... not quite appropriate.

S, thinking for a second: Oh no! Not like that other word, Miss! This is totally different!

As a colleague of mine put it, "What are they going to call her as a short form? Clit?"

* * * * *

A generally well-liked, somewhat-grandmothery Irish-Canadian supply teacher, who knows our school well, is going through the attendance list at the start of a grade 9 science class, which is full of characters such as the following:

Student, with extreme attitude: WHY are you taking the attendance?

Teacher, somewhat befuddled: I have to see who's here and who's not.

S, getting more irate: Well, why don't you... just mark everyone absent?!

T: I think you'd better go to the office and cool down.

S, dismissively: Don't talk to me!

T: Excuse me?


This one baffled pretty much everyone around the department today, and with good reason... until they found out who the student was, and everyone that knew her reacted with an, "Ahhhhh, alright, her." I swear, I can handle a dozen immature idiot 14-year-old boys, but just one of these girls... it's like they're on-guard 24/7, just looking for a reason to snap at you with all they've got.

* * * * *

People ask me if my job is boring, or repetitive, or somehow uninteresting. I think it's pretty clear that it ain't.

Monday, April 18, 2011

These things need to be said.

I sure hope the Conservatives don't win a majority. I don't think they will, but hey, wackier things have happened. On the flipside, if they only win another minority, there are rumblings that ol' Steve is gonna get pushed out. This would work in the Libs' favour: the Cons would appear weak, would be trying to find their footing under a new leader, and might be more vulnerable than ever. Just sayin', Iggy.

I don't care what anyone says, Spacehog's Resident Alien album was great. Cruel To Be Kind was a snappy power-pop track. And didn't their frontman marry someone famous? I'd look it up, but.

Writing gig? Not exactly over, but not exactly torturous anymore. I have one more dealie to submit by May 4, which should be a breeze.

Marking? Omnipresent. Our mid-term report card marks are due tomorrow. Still have two class sets of quizzes to mark, but those ain't bad. Estimated commencement time of marking tonight: 10:45pm.

I have hooligans staying in my apartment this weekend, apparently. S'ok, they're not Scottish Soccer Hooligans. (Fun fact: both the people in that video, Mike Myers and the not-long-on-SNL Mark McKinney, are both Canadian.)

(Also: I had forgotten how great that fake-show was. "Give us a kiss." And a vomit-take! A staple of the early-mid '90s shows, and great if used sparingly.)

That about covers it, I suppose. Tah!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Oh, hi.

I thought I saw you there.

Did I catch you looking?


Yeah, I know things are quiet around here in April. And I wish I could say that it's because I've been busy banging your mom, but alas, the only thing I've been banging is my car door in frustration at the end of another long-ass day.*

(Actually, I take that back. These days haven't been terribly frustrating; more like, filled with meetings and baseball practices for the kiddies and stuff to fix around the department and the odd family get-together. Same-ol' same-ol'. I more just wanted a chance to make a joke that insinuates that I had carnal relations with your mother.*)

I've put my microwave oven on a power-bar, so it's off most of the time; I only flick the switch on when I'm about to use it. Makes sense; I have another clock in the kitchen anyway.** So, I guess that's new.

My niece beat me soundly in several games of Uno yesterday afternoon; I think the final tally was somewhere around 6-1 for her. I think she had an unfair advantage, though: it was "Uno Junior" and had pictures of Dora the Explorer on the cards. I hardly ever watch that show.***

I'm finally ploughing through Season 4 of my Kids in the Hall DVDs. They really managed to find themselves around this point in the series.****

So, in conclusion, life rolls merrily forward.*****
* And your sister. (Applicable for both asterisk-instances.)
** So does your mom.
*** Except after I do your aunt's housekeeper.
**** Just like I found your cousin's friend's sexy co-worker's naughty bits.
***** I have probably had sex with you and everyone you know.******
****** God, I need to get laid.

Friday, April 01, 2011

It's done.

You know that writing gig I've been bitching about for the past, oh, forever?

Well, tonight, at — I shit you not — five seconds to midnight, I clicked "Send" to fire off the last major thing I had to write for this project. I realize that it didn't really matter if it got sent out at 11:59:55pm tonight or 8:30am tomorrow morning; dude would open it up at the same time. But, on prinicple, I finished up that sumbitch ON TIME, MUTHAFUCKA.

I don't care if it's inappropriate to chug a beer at midnight on a Thursday sitting home alone listening to "Daybreaker" by Electric Light Orchestra. I'm gonna go do it. And you're not going to judge me.