Monday, March 28, 2011

Sometimes days don't turn out the way you expect them to.

Let's say you caught me this morning just after I rolled out of bed and asked me this:

Hey J, what do you think the odds are of you dropping trou and having your nuts felt up by a stranger today?

First off, I'd have wondered what you were doing in my bedroom. Secondly, where's my phone so I can call the cops on you? But thirdly, right after the 911 dispatcher would've reassured me that, yes, the police currently in transit have orders to "taze the intruder with vigorous brutality," I'd have considered your question and answered, "Not very likely, chum."*

Well, as the title of this post suggests, some days just bring you stuff you weren't expecting.

Let me explain.

I coach a high school baseball team. We're in the middle of early practices/tryouts — I'm not sure we'll have enough to actually form a team, but we'll see — and we had a short practice today in a gym at lunchtime. I threw a fateful batting-practice pitch — we use soft indoor balls, thank GOODNESS — and an ex-student of mine hit a screaming line drive right up the middle.

Yup. Caught it off a mean bounce square in the jimmies.

At first it hurt like fuck. And then it hurt a little less. Then, after about an hour, it didn't hurt at all. But at about 3:00, it hurt so bad I could barely stand.

Now, I'm not what you would call a "nancy" about such things. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, in general. Three times in my life I've had pain this bad, and the other two involved me twisting my right ankle so bad I could hear it crunch. (Stupid Nike baseball cleats.)

(Actually, when I think about it, my top three most painful moments all involve baseball.)

On the advice of our head of boys' phys ed — they deal with sports injuries all the time — I headed to an emergency room for the first time since I was 6. After about three hours of waiting** the doc drew the curtain, I told my story, and he took a look-see. He said there was no major swelling, nothing appears to be ruptured or twisted, so with Tylenol and rest, I'll be fine.

So, how was your Monday? I bet yours involved less blunt-force trauma to your genitals than mine did.
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* This all would have played out much differently if you happenned to have been Halle Berry.
** God damn, get me to a jurisdiction with private health care like the US!!!***
*** I hope you realize I'm kidding.

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