Monday, August 16, 2010

Hard-hitting journalism.

Look, I know that the news headlines on the main portal page for Yahoo — the one I'm sent to after I check my junk-email account there — isn't exactly written by Woodward and Bernstein. It's not meant to replace Newsweek, or the Financial Times, or even Big-Breasted Midget Monthly (which, contrary to what its title might suggest, contained a detailed and incisive analysis of the new American financial reform bill in last month's issue, and I highly recommend you find a copy).

But, I have to say, this sort of headline doesn't really give me a lot of hope for the future:

McCain calls Snooki 'beautiful'

That's US Senator John McCain (R-AZ), former Republican candidate for President of the United States, self-proclaimed "maverick," and terrible Air Force pilot... and Snooki, from the MTV "reality" show Jersey Shore.

I don't know much about the show, other than it may well be, to greased-up ginos, what The Beachcombers was to flannel-clad Canadian lumberjacks. And, after looking at a couple of pictures of Snooki (born Nicole Polizzi)... well, despite having fairly insane hair, makeup an inch thick and usually a ridiculous look on her face, yeah, I suppose she's decent-enough-looking. (And, from all the evidence I've seen, she could very well appear in next month's Big-Breasted Midget Monthly — I swear to you I didn't know she had (a.) giant cans and was (b.) vertically challenged when I started writing this. But it sure worked out that way, didn't it?)

Senator McCain knows a thing or two about beautiful women: the record is pretty clear on this.

His first wife, Carol Shepp, was a looker; when John was over in 'Nam, getting shot down and imprisoned, Carol wrote him letters all the time, despite getting in a horrendous car accident which left her several inches shorter, and her convalescence (through no fault of her own) caused her to gain some weight.

So, when Johnny came marching home (eventually) and found she wasn't a model anymore, he first cheated on her, then dumped her for Cindy Hensley — younger, taller, prettier, and coincidentally the heiress to a huge beer-distribution fortune. (Ross Perot — yes, that one — works into this story somehow too, but I'm too lazy to look it up.) Carol, for the record, and perplexingly, still loves John a ton and wishes him all the best.

All I'm saying is, if John McCain dumps his wife for Snooki, you heard it here first.

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