Monday, October 12, 2009

I really thought I'd have my shit together by now.

Occasionally, I have a major crisis in confidence, and today finds me in one of them. I've definitely had them before, so this is nothing new. And, as the comments to that post will attest, I'm not alone — which helps mitigate the overall shittiness/uneasiness I'm feeling at the moment.

On the surface, the major parameters of "someone who's got their shit together" are all in place:
  • Steady job from which it's nearly impossible to get fired: Check.
  • Apartment in a quasi-swanky, yet fairly-boring, part of town: Check.
  • Car which has newly-smuggled-into-the-country tires: Check.
  • No bastard-children floating around, to my knowledge: Check.
  • Financial advisor who owns a sailboat and wears suspenders: Check.
  • Houseplant named Sparky who is between 7 and 8 years old: Check.
When I think about all this, I'm tempted to say to myself, "J, you whiny little bitch, you have the cushiest life in the god damn world. Shut the hell up and grow a pair; you might need them someday, if you can ever figure out how to eventually lure a woman into your lair."

Which is true. (Sadly.)

But, let's face it... I'm not getting any younger, and my general feelings of indecision really aren't going away. What am I going to do with my life? Am I going to be a classroom teacher forever, or move onto something else education-related? Will I ever club a woman and drag her back to my cave to have my babies as I protect her from the sabre-toothed tigers? Hell, is my cave going to remain in the 416, or will I move somewhere else, eventually? And, why does my apartment smell vaguely of cigarette smoke? Has Crazy Cat Lady downstairs just torn into a new carton of Marlboros? And, if so, how the hell is the smoke getting in here?

Ferris Bueller was right. Life does move pretty fast.


allison marie said...

I was thinking about this sort of thing a LOT today for some reason, myself. sigh.

Brian (StringTheory) said...

Have you conquered the free-will-skepticism existential crisis yet? The best our scientific faculty can offer is hand-waving about complex emergence.

Anyway, at 22, I highly envy your major parameters.

ecb said...

Is it time to launch the PhD dream? As the queen of existential crises/wanderlust I don't envy your situation. Also, call me to rant/vent/talk, guy.


Jay Sz said...

I think about this stuff a lot too. I've been dreaming of quitting my day job and doing something more interesting/rewarding/fun for a long time but haven't had the courage.

Also, part of me would like to have some bastard children floating around.