Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Obamacare in Canada.

As you probably know, there's a debate in the US about the future of their health care system, dubbed "Obamacare" by pundits on the right: a partial slide towards a Canadian-like single-payer government-supported universal system.

Now, you may think that the few crazed yahoos that show up to these "town hall" meetings — all full of Glenn Beck-isms and instructions from FreedomWorks (a right-wing activism group which has ties to the pharmaceutical industry, among others) about how to turn a democratic debate into a one-sided screaming match which is perfect for TV news which deals chiefly in sound-bites and rage, giving the viewing public the false impression that there's actually a sizeable chunk of Americans that want to retain the current system which has left 49 million people without health insurance — are out to lunch. But, let me tell you what happened to me yesterday, under our Red Soviet Canuckistan Proletariat Health Care Plan.

I went to my local Forced Death Clinic (FDC; Mondays are reserved for people whose surnames are A-L; Tuesdays are M-Z, and for the rest of the week it's all euthanasia, all the time), and was told that the doctor that the government chose for me was out for the day. Now, because I can't go to any other FDC other than the one I'm allowed to go to — your FDC is originally chosen for you at your birth by the Ministry of Love (MiniLove), so you can't really move away from it, although some people (like myself) apply for a Special Geographic Transfer (SGT) because I agreed to teach the False Theory of Evolution (FTE) in a government-monopoly public school — I had to wait around for an Emergency Appointment Permit (EAP).

So, because my EAP came through for a FDC all the way up in North Bay, and MiniLove scheduled it for 3:45 in the morning, I had to drive all the way up to North Bay. I asked MiniLove for permission to get a hotel room so I could get some sleep; I was denied, because my EAP wasn't filed under a Extra-Special SGT (ESSGT). Fortunately, the last time I taught FTE, I let a Gay-Married Couple (GMC) perform an abortion in my classroom while urinating on a picture of Jesus Christ (JC) and praising the name of Charles Darwin, so a guy at MiniLove let me get a room at the Howard Johnson at the last minute.

I showed up to the North Bay FDC at the appointed time, and a cold, recorded voice told me to go into the second waiting room, strip buck-naked, and wait for Government-Appointed Dr. Jellyfingers to do his thing. After having to answer "no" in a high-pitched voice to the question, "If you do not want to be executed by the government tonight, clearly say the word 'no' in a high-pitched voice" (it's just standard practice), Dr. Jellyfingers proceeded to give me a full physical including, puzzlingly, a Pap test. (I'm still not quite sure how they pulled that one off.)

Just think... all this fuss for a scratchy throat! Gee, I wished I lived in the States.

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