September 15, 2008B. Obama
I couldn't help but notice you're running for President of the United States. This is fantastic news! I had no idea, as I have been tied to a Catherine Wheel for the past 19 months in a dungeon in northern Greenland. It really is good to get back to a place where those filthy Danes — they run Greenland, you know — are nowhere to be found. I swear, I will never ever touch Lego again, so long as I live.
Now, I also noticed that the stock market has been in quite the foul mood in the past few months, and that houses are getting repossessed like crazy. The US economy has gone røv-up with Republicans at the switch, to be sure.
I'm no fede bondeknold, but I'm sure-as-shootin' sure that you can kick John McCain's behind all over the field on this issue. I mean, McCain and the Republicans have greased the wheels of deregulation of all sorts of financial industries for the past decade; when huge, important sectors are left to their own devices — "Let the markets do their work! They'll fix everything! Just be-lieeeeeeeve!!!" — you get gigantic firms like Enron, Lehman Brothers, Worldcom, Merrill Lynch and Bear Stearns acting like a bunch of skideriks.
There's an old Danish saying: Jeg lægger dig ned og lægger en lort på maven af dig. I wasn't able to grasp all the nuances of the language over the past 19 months, but I think I got the gist of this expression, and it's that you'd better make political hay while the sun shines.
You don't think Karl Rove & Co. wouldn't have raked someone over the coals for this sort of skulduggery? Be a populist for once! Have the stones to slam the Republicans to the wall on this one and æd lort, you andeknepper! People know the economy has tanked, and people know Bush was in charge. McCain is a lot like Bush; remind them of that fact, and you'll be puleing with Michelle in the Lincoln Bedroom before you know it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to sut djævlepik i helvede. If I wake up on November 5 and you haven't won this election by at least eleventy billion points, I'm gonna go down there and kick your bunkepul.