Thursday, March 01, 2007

And Americans wonder why someone might be pissed off at them.

Since I'm a relentless Type-A personality, I have most of the details nailed down for my Florida Spring Train-a-thon '07™ already. However, the thought occurred to me today that, hey, I don't really know what sort of freaky restrictions that the US government has on what you can and can't bring on an airplane.

You see, I am a male. Males know how to "pack light." As such, for a 4-day trip, I will easily be able to take everything I need in one piece of carry-on luggage. However, because the US government is quite clearly nuts, they made up all sorts of stupid rules as to what you're able to bring with you onto the plane.

Remember a few months back, when some guy tried to bring a bunch of liquid explosives on a plane somewhere, and then for a long time you couldn't bring so much as a tube of liquid lip-gloss in a carry-on? Yeah, well, liquid lip-gloss is the least of my worries; what about my sunscreen? I can't keep this skin so Wednesday Addams-white in the Florida sun without a little assistance, you know.

I decided to go straight to the horse's mouth... the "horse" being the US Transportation Security Adminstration, the "mouth" being their website, and "straight" being my sexual orientation. (Sorry boys, this one plays for the Ninety-Percenters.) Just look at all the stupid restrictions on carry-on goods — how am I going to hijack a plane if I can't bring on my spear gun, my brass knuckles and my collection of 11-inch-long, razor-sharp screwdrivers?*

...or maybe that was their plan all along! They want to prevent me from causing another 9/11? Shit, with all the ideas the above-linked website is giving me (like how to smuggle my nunchucks from my checked luggage on board with me during the flight), how can I not want to bring that bird down mid-flight?! I dare say I'm sitting at "half-mast" right now thinking about all the possibilities.

Then again, I don't really fancy being sent to Gitmo for March Break as opposed to taking in the Mets-Tigers game on March 14th, so maybe I'll play by the TSA's stupid rules.

* These are all perfectly fine to carry in your checked luggage, by the way.

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