Matt Hubert, International Man of Intrigue.

Matt's a hell of a guy. Heart of gold, passion for education, thirst for travel. But seriously, guy, make with the organizational skills. Pronto.

I'm not the world's most experienced traveller, but I've been to these countries:

• USA
• Cuba
• France
• Germany
• Austria
• Czech Republic
• Sweden
• Denmark
• The Netherlands
• Belgium
• UK
• Switzerland
  

If there's one thing I've learned in my life, and it may only be one thing thank you very much UW Physics for nothingnothingnothing, it's that when you first enter a foreign country these days, the absolute first thing you do is get cash out of a cash machine to see if they work with your card(s). If not, you'd better find someplace where it does work, because, damn, you really can't do anything with zero dollars these days.

However, Matt — for whatever technicality — is currently stranded in Asunción, Paraguay because (a.) his contact-person there seems to have ditched him, and (b.) suddenly his bank and credit cards don't work. Anywhere. Including three different banks.

As I type, he's currently en route to the airport, thanks to his principal's generosity. (He teaches at a school in Brazil these days.) I guess everything sorta worked out for him, as it usually does. I've said it before, and I'll likely say it again:

Matt Hubert,
you magnificent bastard,
you succeed DESPITE your talents,
not because of them.

Pure, unfettered satisfaction.

You know what I'm talking about.

A lot of people try to put something in the middle. A barrier. An artificial construction. A misuse of synthetic materials. A time-wasting impediment. Or, as I like to call it, an abomination against nature.

And now I've said, To hell with it. I'm going without. Nothing's getting in the way between me and...

Well, I don't think I need to tell you. Heck, I've gone without one for months now.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it to the world.

I don't use a Brita anymore.

Yep, I've reverted to my straight-from-the-tap ways of my youth, when we didn't care about things like "mild to moderate chlorine taste" or "dissolved lead ions," mostly because (a.) I grew up on well-water, which didn't have chlorine, and (b.) a little bit of lead poisoning, as my grandma says, "builds character."

But, you know what? I enjoy the freedom of grabbing a glass, turning on the tap, and letting 'er rip. It doesn't taste that bad, and these days it comes out refreshingly cold after it's been on for a couple of seconds. And besides, those filters are ridiculously expensive these days — they've gotta be up around six bucks a pop now, whereas the stuff straight from the faucet is essentially free.

I invite you, my chlorinated comrades, to make the switch. Be free of the constraints of plastic and activated charcoal! But please, keep wearing the condoms, kids — HIV is no laughing matter.

CFRC is having a Funding Drive.

CFRC, possibly Canada's longest-running radio station, is facing a funding shortfall. We're trying to raise $5000 from January 27th through February 5th through an on-air Funding Drive, to contribute towards the station's operating expenses.

Here's the deal.

When you turn the dial to 101.9 (or stream the tunes from the CFRC website), you are getting music which is:

• probably not heard on mainstream radio
• very largely commercial-free
• programmed by real human beings right here in Kingston, not some corporate headquarters somewhere in a far-off land

I think point #2 is perhaps the most important; I can't freakin' stand commercials these days. Sure, you won't listen to CFRC twenty-four hours a day — I'm not really that big a fan of the Cantonese Hour — but there's truly something there for everyone, I guarantee you.

If you give to CFRC, you'll get a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling inside (aside from all the vodka you've probably consumed already today, which can give you a similar sensation). Plus, if that isn't great enough, you'll get either a tax receipt or a nifty gift, and one or more tickets for a grand prize draw of two plane tickets, anywhere in Canada, on WestJet. Whoa, what a deal!

Head on over to cfrc.ca to see how you can help us out. Better yet, call in (533-CFRC) during the Tuesday Indie Wake-Up Call, and I'll love you to bits!*

* love may not be unconditional

Life goes on.

As someone from Montreal mentioned on the CBC today, "I got up this morning, went out onto my porch, and looked up. I noticed the sky didn't fall, the power was still on, and the buses were still running." I think people are starting to chill out about a Tory minority, as I mentioned on ElectionNite™. It was a way of saying, "Alright, Liberals, you've been in there long enough. Give the boy with the vacant blue eyes and the crisp blue shirt a chance."

...which is a very Canadian thing to do. (We're a friendly lot.)

Three things should brighten your day. And if they don't, you're fucked.

First: a whole lot of vitriol is afoot at The 50 Most Loathsome People In America, 2005. It'll make you laugh, then cry, then laugh a bit more. A sample:

20. Oprah Winfrey

Charges: Winfrey's entire life is an exercise in self-aggrandizement, from the TV show which tells us what to read and how to live to her eponymous magazine, every issue of which features her smug countenance on its cover. More than just another insufferable Hollywood egotist, Oprah is something more akin to a housewife messiah, providing false hope and faux spirituality for experience-deprived worshippers. Everything she does is strategically designed to draw more praise, more devotees, and of course more money. Recently had celebrated poet Maya Angelou on her program to promote her new poem, which Oprah read for the audience as if she wrote it herself, as she seems to actually believe.

Exhibit A: Dr. Phil.

Sentence: Crushed by self-commissioned 40-story platinum Oprah statue.

That, my friends, is some acidic-ass writin'. Thank you, Miss Lang, for bringing it to my attention.

Second: I've become a big fan of Random Chuck Norris Facts lately. They're absurd, and you know how I loves me the absurd comedy (see Stella, Kids in the Hall, Mitch Hedberg). If you ever wanted to know what sorts of experiences that the star of Walker, Texas Ranger has had in his life, Google yourself up some RCNFs. Thirty such ones are here. You're welcome.

Third: Watching Stephen Colbert tonight (I do believe the Report is getting better and better), he mentioned that some British study suggested that today (yes, technically "yesterday," but, meh), January 24, is the most depressing day of the year. He brought out a sun-simulating desk lamp to help brighten his spirits, which wasn't plugged in, and this angered him even more. Then, out of nowhere, he blurts (with beeps inserted), "Aw, f--- me in the a-- with a lit cigar. ... This lamp is horses--- anyway. Doesn't work." It was pretty damn random, and you know how I loves me the absurd comedy (see Stella, Kids in the Hall, Mitch Hedberg).

Did I mention my memory was lousy, too?

A Conservative minority.

CBC just called it.

ALL
HAIL
PRIME
MINISTER
HARPER

The good news, I suppose, is that it's going to be a minority Parliament. The Redneck Fucks won't have absolute free reign of the country, so —

Oh, dear God, I just heard the phrase "Prime Minister Stephen Harper" on the TV for the first time ever. I do believe an eerie wind just blew by me.

...which is odd, seeing as I'm indoors.

Anyhoo, don't sweat it too much. The NDP seems to have had a pretty strong showing, which is good, so at least there'll be some people with a bit of a conscience in Parliament for the next little while.

Pontifications on parties.

Not slumber parties or birthday parties, or birthday-slumber parties. Political parties!

Read more here... if you dare.

---

Alright, welcome aboard the Opinion Train. Thanks for stopping by.

I was ruminating away as I walked back from marking my X about, well, why exactly I voted the way I did. I gotta be honest, as I sat in that chair in that church gymnasium (since when did churches get indoor basketball courts, anyway?), a thought ran through my head:

What if the Liberals lose by one vote in this riding to the Conservatives, and that means a Conservative majority, in which case I'm on the next slow boat to Stockholm? Should I vote Orange with my heart or Red with my head?

The last two elections, as you may know, I voted Liberal in an attempt to thwart Conservatives (once provincially, once federally); it so happens that the people in my riding at the time (Kathleen Wynne and John Godfrey, respectively) were on the far left of the Liberal party, and are actually pretty progressive in terms of policy. In the biz, they call this Strategic Voting, and it was done quite a bit (but not really openly mentioned) a lot in the two aforementioned elections. And I was tempted to do it again.

But, on the walk home, I thought about the stance each party was taking, and started feeling better about taking the plunge and voting Mustache. Here's how I see it:

Liberals: "Vote for us because Stephen Harper's vision of Canada is way out of the mainstream. Stephen Harper is a scary guy. I mean, guns in Canadian cities. We did not make this up."

Conservatives: "Liberal corruption, Liberal corruption. Liberal corruption, Liberal corruption, and Liberal corruption. Integrity, Liberal corruption, tax cuts, Liberal corruption. Oh, and Liberal corruption."

NDP: "We're a viable alternative. Sure, the Liberals are a bunch of cheats and liars; sure, the Conservatives have a hidden agenda. But let's work together to find the solutions to our problems and work together."

I started thinking about something the late Hunter S. Thompson wrote in Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72, in which he followed Democratic candidate George McGovern fairly closely. He remarked that, starting with that election (in the US, anyway), people have been more interested in "voting for the winner" than "voting for who they want to represent them."

In Canada, with more than two significant national parties, the first part can be altered to read, "voting against who they don't want in power" — enter Strategic Voting. By that definition, voting either Liberal or Conservative is a "strategic" vote; if you're going Red, that means you're just scared shitless of Stephen Harper (which many appear to be, including myself). If you're going Blue, that means you want the Liberals out (which might not be such a bad idea, I have to say). Ergo, both of these votes are against someone, rather than for someone... and the Good Doctor Thompson would be spinning in his grave like a lathe (assuming his ashes weren't shot out of a cannon at his memorial service, which they were; I think you get the point, regardless).

In conclusion, I decided to vote for something, rather than against something. And that meant marking an X beside the candidate for the NDP.

Get on out there.

If you haven't voted yet, please do. A lot of people gave their lives so you could mark an X today.

If you don't know where to go:

• head over to the Elections Canada website
  
• choose your language
• enter your postal code
  
• click the "Where do I vote?" link on the right side of the page
• enter your address
• bring a recent piece of mail with your name and current address on it to the polling station (if you didn't already receive a maroon-and-white card in the mail)
  

It's just that easy.

Democracy. Ya gotta love it.

Such hotness.

Jumpin' jehosephat, is that former TV personal-finance guru and Conservative candidate for Halton, Garth Turner, wearing a leather suit?

That's such a cool coat, it appears on his website.

By the way, if you happen to find yourself in the greater Milton area on the night of the election, be sure to check out the Rock The Vote concert in the main ballroom of the Milton Ramada Inn (Highways 401 and 25), as a "thank you" from the Garth Turner campaign. Jazz stars Chris McKholl and Kevin Laliberte will be performing, as will country artist Carol Lyn Friesen and "the crowd-pleasing rockers, New Hollywood." The show's MC will be the "wildly popular" Scott Fox from Z-103.5 FM.

Doors at 7, show at 8.

I can just see how it'll go, too...

Are there any queers in the theatre tonight?
Get 'em up against the wall...
There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me!
Get 'em up against the wall...
That one looks Jewish, and that one's a coon
Who let all this riff-raff into the room?
There's one smoking a joint! And another with spots!
If I had my way, I'd have all of you shot!

(with apologies to Pink Floyd)

EDIT: If you happen to run into me in person, ask me to do my Garth Turner impression. If you watched random "how to manage your money" segments on the news about 15 years ago, you'd know that my impression of him is kick-ass. At least, it looks/sounds that way in my mirror.

Stop the GOD DAMN PRESSES.

Sure, there's an election going on. But, LOOK THE FUCK AT THIS.

The Kids In The Hall are rumoured to be doing a few shows in LA's Steve Allen Theatre, February 23-25th. Whether or not this is the beginning of a revival is unknown, but they are supposedly using this opportunity to test new material.

This news comes on the heels of news that America's gay television network Here! has commissioned a half-hour adult animated series based on Scott Thompson’s character Buddy Cole.

Apropo of nothing, I'd like to point out that David Foley makes one hot lookin' lady. Look at that pout. Yowza!
(Lovingly stolen from the CBC Radio 3 website.)

Holy hot dijon mustard! Are the Kids back?!?

Navigating icy sidewalks, and an ebbing of Conservative momentum.

The sidewalks in this here Fair Burgh have been covered in ice, on and off, for the past few days. I get the distinct impression that I am, in fact, far worse at walking on slippery surfaces than most other people; I'm shuffling along like my grandma who has two plastic hips (thank you very much, arthritis), and people are blasting past me like they're driving a Lexus. Why is this? Did someone put Teflon on the soles of my boots?

I think someone put Teflon on the soles of my boots.

Do you suffer from premature ejaculation? It appears as if the Conservative party does, as its poll numbers have shifted down a couple of points in recent days. It doesn't look like Harpermania will result in a Conservative majority, which has dropped my blood pressure back into the "only mildly fatal" region, instead of the much more serious "Dom DeLuise after a cheesesteak" territory in which it'd been residing for the past two weeks. If the Cons get a minority, can you see anyone working with them to pass legislation in the House? I sure don't; the NDP are too ideologically different, the Bloc would be the kiss of death, and I can't for the life of me imagine the Libs working with them.

Look at it this way: we seem to be a pretty evenly-split electorate, incapable of electing a majority government of any stripe. Minority governments require cooperation, by definition, for them to stand. The Liberals, love 'em or hate 'em, are the centrist party in this country; it's therefore theoretically possible for them to cooperate with both the Cons and the NDP on legislation (although likely not at the same time). Therefore, if you have a centrist party leading a minority government, there's a chance it'll be able to survive, if it's flexible enough; I can't see a hard-right party full of Christian-literalist idealogues being able to do that. Expect another election by the end of '06.

Hey, at least "Joe Who?" has a reasonably hot daughter.

Life imitates art.

Can't say as this is terribly surprising. Check out the three movies that the Life of J is like; 33% of them are in my Top 5 of All Time!

---

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times. Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Hooked on a feeling.

Here's something to satiate the Hasselhoff fan inside you.

It's okay. I know you dig him. Who wouldn't?

Cast your vote.

These are the Pixies.

They have released some amazing music over their career. (We're still waiting for that new studio album, though.)

What's your favourite Pixies song? Add a comment and tell the world. For the record, mine is Tame.

They just keep coming.

Rondo Thomas
Conservative candidate, Ajax-Pickering
Vice President, Canada Christian College

The Conservative party sure has a lot of rabid Christian zealots running for seats in Parliament. I have nothing against rabid Christian zealots, not at all... as long as they're not in charge of drafting laws which will apply to our entire country, including yours truly.

At any rate, if you click here, you'll see a transcript (I typed it out myself) of a video clip that was linked from Rick Mercer's blog.

I really, really don't want these people in charge of Canada.

---

In a speech to about two dozen supporters (holding signs such as "Marriage = One Man + One Woman") in front of Liberal MP Judy Sgro's office:

This is war, and we need every soldier showing up for duty.

(applause)

But we're asking you to bring your chequebook. Because to wage a war like this costs money. A lot of money. And we're looking for your financial support, as well as your physical support, at the time that the election is called, to defeat Members of Parliament who will vote for this bill. And they need to know that we are committed to this war, to win it, and we're going to win it for righteousness and morality in our society.

(applause; some in the crowd shout "Amen")

There is going to be a clash of morality views between those who believe in righteousness, and those who believe in immorality, and when we collide, there is going to be conflict. We are engaging the enemy today.

(applause)

We are going to win this battle. It doesn't matter what the media says, it doesn't matter what the government says. The facts don't count.* We are going to win this conflict.

Later, in a more one-on-one statement to the camera:

We cannot change the definition of marriage. The definition of marriage has been in place since Adam and Eve. That's about six thousand years ago, for those who might not be aware.
. . .
And if we change the definition of marriage so that it is "two people who agree," that "two people" can be almost anybody. And what is the next step after this?** Where does it go from here? And if we're going to redefine marriage so that it is same-sex couples, that eliminates procreation. And if the other side had their way, that's the way it would be.

* I do not want Parliamentarians who believe that "facts" don't "count." Ever.
** Yeah man, people are gonna be fucking pandas in the streets. It's just a matter of time.

Harperisms.

Dear Leader

Here are some choice quotes from who the Toronto Star believes will be the leader of a majority government on the morning of January 24.

"...some other changes, including some that would just horrify you, putting universal Medicare in our constitution, and feminist rights, and a whole bunch of other things."

"They [the old Progressive Conservative party] were in favour of gay rights officially, officially for abortion on demand. Officially -- what else can I say about them? Officially for the entrenchment of our universal, collectivized, health-care system and multicultural policies in the constitution of the country."

"the NDP is kind of proof that the Devil lives and interferes in the affairs of men."

"So [Canada is] basically an English-speaking country, just as English-speaking as, I would guess, the northern part of the United States."

"In terms of the unemployed, of which we have over a million-and-a-half, don't feel particularly bad for many of these people. They don't feel bad about it themselves, as long as they're receiving generous social assistance and unemployment insurance."

"[Y]our country [the USA], and particularly your conservative movement, is a light and an inspiration to people in this country and across the world."

"For taxpayers, however, it's a rip-off. And it has nothing to do with gender. Both men and women taxpayers will pay additional money to both men and women in the civil service. That’s why the federal government should scrap its ridiculous pay equity law."

"I don't know all the facts on Iraq, but I think we should work closely with the Americans." [in 2002]

"we support the war effort and believe we should be supporting our troops and our allies and be there with them doing everything necessary to win." [on Iraq, April 2003]

"Withdraw from the Canada Pension Plan... Collect our own revenue from personal income tax... Resume provincial responsibility for health-care policy. If Ottawa objects to provincial policy, fight in the courts... [E]ach province should raise its own revenue for health... It is imperative to take the initiative, to build firewalls around Alberta... " [in an open letter to Ralph Klein, 2001]

"As a religion, bilingualism is the god that failed. It has led to no fairness, produced no unity and cost Canadian taxpayers untold millions."

Thirsty for more? Go here. And you won't believe what sorts of stuff Stockwell Day has said. To whet your appetite: he thinks the earth is 6000 years old. Oh, and he also thinks homosexuality is "a mental disorder that can be cured through counselling."

WHY OH WHY OH WHY
ARE PEOPLE GOING TO
APPARENTLY
FUCKING
VOTE
FUCKING
CONSERVATIVE
?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!??!!?!?!?!?!?

IT BOGGLES MY MIND.

HOLY.
FUCKING.
SHIT.

Oh, that muck-raking Newfie.

"There's a particular reason why Jesus called men only. It's not that women aren't co-participators. It's because Jesus knew women would naturally follow. Men, on the other hand, had to be called."
— Ancaseter-Dundas-Flamborough-Westdale Conservative candidate David Sweet (former President and CEO of Promise Keepers Canada)

Still thinking about voting Conservative? Visit Rick Mercer's site for some more hum-dingers.

Chicago, Stephen Harper, and Moving to Toronto.

Three things:

I'm rediscovering the band Chicago. Their later stuff was watered-down yacht-rock, with Peter Cetera at the helm. (Not that he's a bad guy or anything, but he took a previously musically-exciting group into the same territory into which the Doobie Brothers were led by Michael McDonald. Yes, the guy on the DVD in The 40 Year Old Virgin.) At any rate, if you can find their song Make Me Smile off their second album (cleverly titled Chicago II), it will be well worth your time. My Chicago-renaissance was inspired, in part, by this video clip.

As a generally Left-leaning type of guy, I'm not terribly enthused about the Conservative Party of Canada, and their leader is... well... I previously fell into the well-populated category of I Don't Like Him And I Can't Quite Put My Finger On Why. But now I know exactly why I don't like him (and it's not because of his party's ultra-Right swing in recent years, or his past where he personally supported some crazy-ass religious wack-jobs): it's because every sentence he speaks (a.) has exactly the same cadence, and (b.) sounds like he's rehearsed it eighteen thousand times beforehand. I'll try putting into text the way he sounds in my head:

"Blah BLAH blah blah, blah bl-Blah blah blah, blah Blah blah blah."

Two or more of the "blahs" are usually the words "Liberal corruption." It's not that the Libs aren't corrupt — as my dad would say, they're "crooked as a dog's hind leg" — but sometimes the devil you know truly is better than the devil you don't. And you'd better believe Stephen Harper's bulletproof-Lexan hairdo is covering up some motherfuckin' horns.

Finally, as many of you know, I will be making my triumphant return to the GTA in May. (I will no doubt be greeted as a liberator, rather than an occupier.) However, instead of merely crashing on random peoples' couches for a couple of months whilst supply-teaching in May and June and then being a true nomad for July and August, I think I'll sign up to teach summer school, which will give me enough of an income-cushion to find a permanent place in TO starting in May. This will rock quite a great deal, as I will be able to spend a relatively peaceful summer, relatively free of commitments (aside from summer school, but that ends relatively early in the afternoon), which will make for a relatively fun experience. Relatively speaking.

Towel Review #8442.

Today's review is of the 2006 full-size model by Grand Patrician. As you all know, GP is the consumer brand of towelry put out by the Westpoint Stevens company, based in New York; their website is here.)

Here's the GP hanging majestically on my bedroom door, with my organizational whiteboards in the background.

I received this fine towel as a Christmas gift (for those unfamiliar with Christianity, it's the holiday celebrating the anniversary of Jesus getting his first dirt bike for Christmas); maybe my mom thought my 1999 Martha Stewart X14 (Montana edition) was getting a little ratty when I did my laundry at my parents' place whilst visiting back in the summertime.

At any rate, its size is quite ample. The longside wraps neatly around the waist; in that configuration the shortside leaves plenty to the imagination, should guests drop by unexpectedly. Its surface area ensures excellent coverage; nooks and crannies shan't be moist after you've used this model!

Next, texture is a bit on the plush side for my liking. If I wanted to dry myself with something soft, I would just use my faux-mink coat; I personally prefer something a little coarser, so I can more easily feel its toweling action. However, I will concede that the trend in recent years, as you no doubt have observed at recent TowelCon conventions, is towards the soft, reminiscent of the Great Texture Shift of the early 1980s. And I don't need to remind you how that turned out.

Finally, appearance is second to none. GP has a storied tradition of fabulous-looking towels, which look fantastic both in fluorescent and in incandescent lighting setups. Since going compact-fluorescent several months ago, I was concerned that any new addition to my towel lineup might look a bit hard-edged and perspicacious in contrast to, say, my 2003 A&F Sunrise. I was pleasantly surprised; GP's famed Towel Techs have scored another home run hit-ball.

In conclusion, I give this towel a 91 out of a possible 98. No towel is perfect, but Grand Patrician's latest offering comes awfully close. Well done!

Dubya sez wiretaps require court orders.

So, the Right in the US is all, "Pssshhh, the wiretaps the Bush administration used completely secretly and without any sort of court order, they helped us keep The Homeland safe from The Terrorists. Quit hating America, you rabble-rousing Commie hippie freaks!"

I suppose George W. Bush, on April 20, 2004 (i.e., during an election campaign) was one of the aforementioned hippies when he said,

by the way, any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires — a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the way. When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking about getting a court order before we do so. It's important for our fellow citizens to understand, when you think Patriot Act, constitutional guarantees are in place when it comes to doing what is necessary to protect our homeland, because we value the Constitution.

Alright, so he's a puppet-like, lying, yammering, former C-student hippie, but damn it, the guy sure does seem to "value the Constitution," so much so that his cronies went and rammed the Patroit Act through a still-stunned Congress in the wake of 9/11 which seems to be violating said Constitution left, right and centre. Whoops!

A little tip for the car-owners.

Here's how to receive a parking ticket in Toronto.


You have to:

1. be parked entirely on private property
2. not hang your ass-end onto the sidewalk
3. have your car entirely within the parking space allotted to your friend by his landlord, as part of his monthly rent
   

See? It's just that easy. Oh, you can fight it in court, but that requires $50 worth of gas to go to Toronto, and yeah, you'd better have the day off to do it. I'm sure your employer would understand.

EDIT (1:51 PM): Oh yeah, I forgot, the other poor schmuck got a ticket, too.

What a freakin' gong-show.

It's 3:30 in the afternoon, and I think I'm suitably recovered from the hilarity that was last night.

(Actually, I felt perfectly fine when I awoke at 11:30 this morning, but hey, ya gotta play it up a bit.)

At any rate, a nice group of folks here in The Big Smoke sent off 2005, and welcomed 2006, with revelry which included the following:

• booze
• bad Chinese food
• more booze
• a Mark Wahlberg video
• four people in the back seat of a cab
  
• even more booze
• a premature midnight countdown
• slightly more booze
• a 2:30 trip to the playground
• a little more booze
• conversations about why Stephen Harper sucks
• Pink Floyd aplenty, wink-wink

At the end of it all, we were a little hoarse, a little drunk (et cetera), but overall none the worse for wear. Topped it off with greasy breakfast at Tasty's — seriously, could it end any other way? — and now "regular life" resumes.

My New Year's Resolution:

Keep drinkin'.

Now that's something I can keep.