Hey, I'm Joe Schmuck from Q107. I'm going to be at Barnacle Bill's Big-Screen Booze Barn in Buttfuckville on New Year's Eve, spinning all your favourite classic rock tunes. We'll have a midnight lunch, and blah blah blah. Cover is only fifty dollars per person, so come on out!"
So, let me get this straight. This is...
- a sports bar
- which I bet never charges cover for any of the other 364/365 days of the year (depending on the year)
- giving out some crappy hors-d'oeuvres
- and possibly a 2-ounce mini-bottle of fizzy crappy wine at about 11:45 pm
- playing all the songs you hear on the radio for free a million times a day
And it doesn't just end there. Friends of mine are proudly telling me they'll be forking out $60 or $70 to go places which wouldn't normally charge anything, plus booze on top of that. For what? Because someone arbitrarily said, "Okay, people, this is the night you're going to drink!"?
Suddenly, my lack of NYE plans doesn't seem so lame. It now has a purpose: I'll be protesting the ridiculousness of the whole evening by not partaking in any of those bar-owners' shenanigans, their barefaced cash-grabs which, when you subtract the 40 cents' worth of party hats and noisemakers per person that are dished out upon entry (for the low, low price of several dozen dollars), makes the whole thing seem pretty farcical.
Stand tall, my brothers and sisters! Get yourself a bottle of Jim Beam, hang out with Dick Clark (or what's left of him), and tell Uncle Sam you're not going to take it anymore!
...wait, "Uncle Sam?" Am I mixing metaphors again?