Sunday, October 15, 2006

Classroom nuggets.

A few people have asked me about funny or ridiculous things that my students do. Well, since my kids are teenagers, and because teenagers are all clinically insane, they come up with some real zingers now and again. Especially my Grade 10s, because that's the year that kids come out of their shell but aren't smart enough to know what to do with all this newfound freedom.

the class is going along merrily, and I'm telling them about something related to ecology, probably...
Student in front row: "Sir, are you wearing contacts?"
Me, bewildered: "Um... no, why do you ask?"
Student: "Is that your real eye real colour?"
Me, more bewildered: "Uh... yeah, I think so."
Student: "Wow. They're really, really blue."
[That's what happens when you're the "poster-child for the Aryan race," a term that an even-paler friend of mine once coined.]

at the end of the class; they've been doing a lab most of the period...
Male student, to a couple of girls, quite loudly, while swivelling his hips: "Elvis, you know, he sang like this: Uh-huh-huh, oh yeah, hey baby!"
Me, across the room: "What are you doing?"
Male student: "I'm just doing my Elvis impression. Didn't he sing like this, sir? Uh-huh-huh, oh yeah, hey baby!"
Me: "Uh... sure, I guess so."
Male student: "Yeah, he sang like this! Uh-huh-huh, oh yeah, hey baby!"
[What makes this even funnier is that this kid is from the Caribbean, and would never, ever listen to anything Elvis ever did.]

after I rearranged the students so they'd talk less, I apparently put two kids, we'll call them A and B, beside each other...
A: "Sir, you really shouldn't put me beside B."
Me: "I'm sorry, this seating plan is not negotiable."
A: "But I've hated B ever since, like, Grade 4."
B: "It's true. We hate each other's guts. Always have."
Me: "Well, let's negotiate, then."
[See? I'm not such a bad guy after all.]

toward the end of a class, this kid's mouth hadn't closed for the entire period...
Me: "Has anyone ever told you that you talk a lot? Like, all the time?"
Kid: "Well, God gave me a mouth, so I'm gonna use it, you know?"
[I couldn't have predicted that response. Not in a million years. But hey, that's what makes this job interesting.]

parents' night is coming up...
Me, to the class: "Please, tell your parents, when they come to see me, unless you are needed to translate for them, do not come along with them!"
Kid in the front row: "But they always drag me along. They say they want me there."
Me: "Why? It's so much tougher to say awful things about you if you're in the room."
Kid: "Well, maybe I'll just stand outside in the hall."
[I actually like parents' night. When you see how screwed-up some parents are, you can see why their kids are a little off-kilter.]

during a lesson about something related to chemistry...
Odd child: "Sir, where do boogers come from?"
Me: . . .
Odd child, shrinking back a bit: "I mean... um... uh... yeah, where do they come from?"
Me: . . .
Class: (laughter)
Me: . . .
[I eventually told the kid that it was an interesting question, and that he should look it up for us. He never did.]

More to follow, I'm sure.

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