Saturday, September 09, 2006

Five years.

It's not just the title of an excellent song by David Bowie; it's the length of time since, well, you-know-what.

CNN will surely have wall-to-wall "coverage" of the anniversary of the attacks on New York City and Washington, and you won't be able to flip around your TV dial without running into some conservative blowhard who will insist the US "stay the course"... uh... in Iraq, I guess?

A jewel-of-a-video-clip made its way around a couple of weeks ago, with Dubya saying flat-out, in response to someone's question at a press conference asking if Iraq and 9/11 have any connection, "No, they have nothing to do with each other." (I do believe it found its way onto the Daily Show.) Meanwhile, you had Colin "The Patsy" Powell up in front of the UN in '03, and he and everyone else in the White House knew damn well there was nothing going on.

Here's what I think happened five years ago.

Dick Cheney: "You know, a plane just slammed into the World Trade Centre."

Richard Clarke: "We told Dubya this in August, you know."

Condoleeza Rice: "I think we should nuke the Soviet Union."

Cheney: "Dammit, Condi! You're still stuck in the '80s. I'm surprised you're not still wearing jelly-bracelets."

Rice: (holds right wrist behind back and tries to look nonchalant as she slips out of the room)

Clarke: "It's al-Qaeda, Dick. We told you this might happen, but you and your buddies were too busy having wet dreams about all that oil underneath Iraq to bother to listen to us."

Cheney: "Find me targets in Iraq."

Clarke: "...thefuck?!"

Cheney: "You heard me right, young whipper-snapper. Iraq. There ain't shit to bomb in Afghanistan, but Baghdad's looking as pretty as your mom on pay-day,* and because the American people are going to give us a free pass on whatever we say in the next little while, let's just 'suggest' that Osama and Saddam are the best of buddies. It'll be a slam-dunk! Mission Accomplished! Then they can just get back to watching chicks in bikinis eat cockroaches. Oh, that reminds me, I should send Joe Rogan a thank-you card."

Clarke: "That's it. I'm outta here. Time to write a book**!"

* I've spent the past few days hanging around my friend Matt, and the mom-jokes have been fast-and-furious around here. You can't just shut 'em off all at once.

** Seriously, this is one ridiculously amazing book.

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