Saturday, August 19, 2006

I don't know who all these people are.

...that is, the people who buy all these albums these days.

I was flipping through this week's Rolling Stone — probably the best issue of it that I've ever read, including articles about the man who threw the '04 election in Ohio running for its governor in '06, a profile of Bill Maher, the chilling Gitmo tales of Omar Khadr, and extended interviews with Joe Walsh and Kurt Vonnegut (!) — and I came to the Billboard Top 40 album charts on the last page.

As I am wont to do, I scanned the top few albums... and yet again, I have no idea who would ever buy any of this shit. I'll go through the top ten; rest assured the other thirty are just as mysterious.

#1: LeToya — LeToya
Apparently she was in Destiny's Child; I didn't care for that group's crooning, and I doubt I'd care for LeToya's.

#2: Now 22 (compilation)
All the greatest hits (misses?) of all the other albums on the chart. I guess if you're going to listen to crap, it might as well the best crap of the charts.

#3: Pharrell — In My Mind
Shouldn't this guy be producing albums instead of doing whatever he's doing on this one?

#4: Tom Petty — Highway Companion
This is probably the only album of the entire top 40 that I'd consdier buying. It's sad that I'm making that claim about a guy who closely ressembles Skeletor.

#5: Gnarls Barkley — St. Elsewhere
Six bucks says Cee-Lo is hanging out with Lou Bega eighteen months from now; "Crazy" is 2006's "Mambo #5," which is mysteriously where this album is.

#6: High School Musical (OST)
It's the soundtrack of a Disney movie. Just typing that made me break out in a case of the heebie-jeebies.

#7: Rihanna — A Girl Like Me
I had no idea who this was, so I looked her up on She's foxy, for sure... but any bio of an artist that draws any sort of comparison to the song "Gasolina" has gotta make you suspicious.

#8: Nelly Furtado — Loose
She was hotter when she was the nice, olive-skinned girl-next-door. But now she's slutting herself out there like the second coming of Pamela Des Barres.

#9: The Pussycat Dolls — PCD
I've had the misfortune of hearing their big song, "Don't Cha", sometime in the past few months. I think I was at a bar or club with a dance floor, and I seem to recall actually being on that dance floor. (Where the hell was this?! Damn, I have this hazy memory and can't pin it down. Oh well, it'll come to me.) Someone explained the premise of this "group" to me a while ago, and it still seems stupid. They're strippers... big deal! I've seen strippers before, and I bet most of them can carry a tune better than these clowns, even while holding a 18-foot boa constrictor and shimmying their G-stringed posterior to Ram Jam's "Black Betty".

(Oh! I remember where I was... at my buddy's wedding reception.)

(And Elena, that "Black Betty" reference was for you. You're welcome.)

#10: Rascal Flatts — Me and My Gang
This homogenized, sanitized, "Kelly Clarkson tunes with a slide guitar" pop-country thing has got to stop. As far as I'm concerned, the last country music artist alive is George "No-Show" Jones, so nicknamed in the late '70s due to his propensity for being so high and/or drunk he didn't/couldn't take the stage. Now that's country!

In conclusion, I fear for the youth of tomorrow. I shall use my classroom pulpit to spread the Gospel of the Holy Trinity of Rock: Zeppelin, Floyd and the Beatles.

Amen, and may God/Jehovah/Allah/Ganesh/Buddha/Chuck Norris have mercy on our ears.


Eve said...

Actually, Gnarls Barkley's St. Elsewhere is a really good album. I wouldn't be surprised if Nelly Furtado's album was good as well, considering some of the duets she's been doing with other folks. I suggest you listen to some of the albums before you slag them.

Anonymous said...

I kind of love Nelly F.'s new single. I have always really enjoyed her voice. And the girl has ridiculous cred and Timbaland is kind of really awesome. If you don't like hip hop, fine, but you could do worse than this woman, sexed-up image or no.
Personally I'd rather see her name on the charts than Ciara or Rihanna or any other Jay-Z produced woman in hot pants de jour...that shit is truly terrible.