...that is, the people who buy all these albums these days.
I was flipping through this week's Rolling Stone — probably the best issue of it that I've ever read, including articles about the man who threw the '04 election in Ohio running for its governor in '06, a profile of Bill Maher, the chilling Gitmo tales of Omar Khadr, and extended interviews with Joe Walsh and Kurt Vonnegut (!) — and I came to the Billboard Top 40 album charts on the last page.
As I am wont to do, I scanned the top few albums... and yet again, I have no idea who would ever buy any of this shit. I'll go through the top ten; rest assured the other thirty are just as mysterious.
#1: LeToya — LeToya
Apparently she was in Destiny's Child; I didn't care for that group's crooning, and I doubt I'd care for LeToya's.
#2: Now 22 (compilation)
All the greatest hits (misses?) of all the other albums on the chart. I guess if you're going to listen to crap, it might as well the best crap of the charts.
#3: Pharrell — In My Mind
Shouldn't this guy be producing albums instead of doing whatever he's doing on this one?
#4: Tom Petty — Highway Companion
This is probably the only album of the entire top 40 that I'd consdier buying. It's sad that I'm making that claim about a guy who closely ressembles Skeletor.
#5: Gnarls Barkley — St. Elsewhere
Six bucks says Cee-Lo is hanging out with Lou Bega eighteen months from now; "Crazy" is 2006's "Mambo #5," which is mysteriously where this album is.
#6: High School Musical (OST)
It's the soundtrack of a Disney movie. Just typing that made me break out in a case of the heebie-jeebies.
#7: Rihanna — A Girl Like Me
I had no idea who this was, so I looked her up on allmusic.com. She's foxy, for sure... but any bio of an artist that draws any sort of comparison to the song "Gasolina" has gotta make you suspicious.
#8: Nelly Furtado — Loose
She was hotter when she was the nice, olive-skinned girl-next-door. But now she's slutting herself out there like the second coming of Pamela Des Barres.
#9: The Pussycat Dolls — PCD
I've had the misfortune of hearing their big song, "Don't Cha", sometime in the past few months. I think I was at a bar or club with a dance floor, and I seem to recall actually being on that dance floor. (Where the hell was this?! Damn, I have this hazy memory and can't pin it down. Oh well, it'll come to me.) Someone explained the premise of this "group" to me a while ago, and it still seems stupid. They're strippers... big deal! I've seen strippers before, and I bet most of them can carry a tune better than these clowns, even while holding a 18-foot boa constrictor and shimmying their G-stringed posterior to Ram Jam's "Black Betty".
(Oh! I remember where I was... at my buddy's wedding reception.)
(And Elena, that "Black Betty" reference was for you. You're welcome.)
#10: Rascal Flatts — Me and My Gang
This homogenized, sanitized, "Kelly Clarkson tunes with a slide guitar" pop-country thing has got to stop. As far as I'm concerned, the last country music artist alive is George "No-Show" Jones, so nicknamed in the late '70s due to his propensity for being so high and/or drunk he didn't/couldn't take the stage. Now that's country!
In conclusion, I fear for the youth of tomorrow. I shall use my classroom pulpit to spread the Gospel of the Holy Trinity of Rock: Zeppelin, Floyd and the Beatles.
Amen, and may God/Jehovah/Allah/Ganesh/Buddha/Chuck Norris have mercy on our ears.