Thursday, June 29, 2006

This will make a billion dollars.

You know what this country needs?

A fucking Waffle House or two.

If you've never travelled to the southern United States, you've probably never heard of this place. If you have, then you've probably seen one at damn near every exit off the highway south of the Mason-Dixon line (and a few north of it).

For a little over two bucks, they serve you up the best damn waffle you've ever had, and likely the biggest, too. The thing is most of the size of a dinner plate, and according to a young fellow named David who just started working at their restaurant right off I-75 in Corbin, Kentucky, "they make the batter from scratch, that's why it tastes so good." Their coffee is actually pretty decent, too, which puts it one step ahead of Denny's (who apparently think dipping a brown marker into hot water somehow qualifies it as "coffee").

Of course, for ambience, every single location has a jukebox featuring the latest country-music hits of today, some from yesterday, and some very exclusive odes (by some music-biz unknowns) to the yellow-and-brown chain of diners. Also unique is the way your server calls out the order to the chef (it's an open kitchen)... if there are two waffles in your table's order, they'll yell out, "Waffle on two!" When you're seven years old, that's both hilarious and awesome... and it still sorta is today.

Anyway, when I eventually hit the lottery and/or have a dump truck full of cash crash into my building, I'll make it my personal crusade to bring a franchise north of the border. I'll import all of the waitstaff and cooks from places like Georgia, Alabama and the Carolinas, so you'll know the southern drawls are authentic. And I'll be sure to pack my jukebox full of Skynyrd, the Allman Brothers and, to ruffle a few political feathers, both Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks.

So... this is an open call for (a.) Waffle House testimonials/anecdotes, (b.) offers of cash to help me start up the franchise, or (c.) flocks of gorgeous women to feed me grapes, one by one. I know that last one doesn't really fit in there, but damn, that would be awesome.

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