Friday, March 24, 2006

If I have to drive another inch of the 401, I'm going to shoot myself.

Two Toronto-and-back trips in six days. Can you say "I've memorized every exit between Sir John A and the DVP"? The first was to secure an apartment, which I did. The second was to take part in an all-day workshop dealie at my former-and-future school, doing things pertaining to our application to become an International Baccalaureate school. I charged the school for mileage for the latter. Which makes me awesome.

Earlier tonight on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart managed to get a hold of a list of items that US Vice President Dick Cheney requires, should he stay in a hotel somewhere as a part of his "Downtime." I played the Freeze-Frame Game and transcribed the things he can't do without, and I swear to Wilt Chamberlain these are all real.
  • Queen or King sized bed
    So he can cuddle with all of his cardiologists
  • Desk with chair
    Because you can't fuck over brown people with just a clipboard on your lap
  • Private bathroom
    His "bowl aim" is embarassingly terrible
  • All lights turned on
    You wouldn't want the boogeyman to surprise you, right? Oh, wait, Cheney IS the boogeyman
  • Temperature set at 68 degrees (20°C)
    He's made of gelatin and will melt at anything higher
  • All televisions turned to FOX News
    C'mon, too easy
  • Microwave
    Little known fact: Cheney's hooked on Pizza Pops
  • Coffee pot in the suite (BREW DECAF PRIOR TO ARRIVAL)
    The capital letters means if that's not decaf, you're as good as shot-in-the-face
  • Container for ice
    The spare hearts go bad otherwise
  • Bottled water, 4-6 bottles
    Fluoridated tapwater saps and impurifies our precious bodily fluids
  • Diet Caffeine-Free Sprite, 4 cans
    Hey, at least he's off the elf-blood
I'm surprised he didn't ask for a giant bowl of green M&M's for good measure. What a fussy old motherfucker!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

that Dick Cheney piece made me spit tea all over the couch. I liked the handwritten addenum of
"bullets, shotgun, old man face" or whatever. HILARFIOUS!

-Lang